Those days lasted forever. Every one of them felt long, tiring and repetitive. Now that the kids are older, the days fly by. I pick the kids up from school at 3pm, we get home by 3:30. Then it's time for homework, dinner, jammies, and bed. That doesn't include any sporting events or lessons, which we personally have 2 days a week.
There's not a whole lot of time left for connecting with the kids when we're trying to get everything done.
Here are 3 ways to connect with your kids on a deeper level:
1. Bedtime
Kids will do anything to stall bedtime so I've found this is the perfect way to get them to share the deepest of their souls with me. Once they realize I am willing to stay with them while they talk, they'll talk about anything. My biggest piece of advice is to put them to bed a little earlier than usual so they still get to bed at a decent hour. You can start doing this as soon as your child is verbal.
What this looks like:
Tuck the child into bed and ask them about their day. What was the best part? What would they change about their day? Who did they help? Here is a whole list of questions that you can ask. When you feel a natural lull in the conversation, you can say good night and tell them you can't wait to see them in the morning.
This time connecting can get tricky when you have more than 1 child.
What this looks like with more than 1 child:
Pull everyone together and let them know it's almost bedtime. Tell them that you want to spend some time with each of them so that they can each talk about their day with you (or you and your partner) alone. Tell them that when their turn is over, you will tuck them in and put them to bed before moving on to another sibling's room. Undoubtedly, you will have complaints about some kids going to bed earlier than others. Even though it's on a 5-10 minute difference, work out a schedule so that every night someone gets a different turn. You can start in birth order where the youngest goes to bed first, the second night, the next youngest goes first, and it continues that way. {We do a lot of things in that order in our house and the kids really feel that it's fair.} Put everyone in their rooms a little early (you don't need to point this out). Tell them they can read a book or play with toys (the parent's choice) until you get there. In the beginning you will have kids get out of bed asking when it will be their turn. Just remind them that you want to make sure you give everyone the time they need and you'll get to them soon. If children have already had a turn and get out of bed, remind them that they loved your special time with you and now it's their sibling's turn. Depending on their age you may need to physically take them back to bed. Reassure them that you will come and check on them when you are done with everyone.
2. Individual Dates/ Outings
I know some people hate the term "dates" when it's referred to their kids but essentially, it's the same thing as you would imagine, except maybe without all the kissing. You can start doing these as early as 2 years old.
What this looks like:
Plan a time when you can go out and do something one and one. Doing dates at home never has the same impact that it does when you get out of the house. The house has so many distractions of toys and laundry that your child won't get the full attention that they need and deserve. Take your child somewhere that they will enjoy. This can include places that cost money (hockey game, pottery painting, out to lunch, etc), places that cost very little money (feeding the ducks, visiting a fish hatchery, going out for ice cream, etc), or places that don't cost any money (a trip to the bookstore, playing at the park -where YOU actually play too, geocaching, bike riding, etc). The point is to do what your child wants to do and not necessarily what you would rather do. Obviously don't present an option that you wouldn't want to do.
What this looks like with more than 1 child:
There's not a whole lot of time left for connecting with the kids when we're trying to get everything done.
Here are 3 ways to connect with your kids on a deeper level:
1. Bedtime
Kids will do anything to stall bedtime so I've found this is the perfect way to get them to share the deepest of their souls with me. Once they realize I am willing to stay with them while they talk, they'll talk about anything. My biggest piece of advice is to put them to bed a little earlier than usual so they still get to bed at a decent hour. You can start doing this as soon as your child is verbal.
What this looks like:
Tuck the child into bed and ask them about their day. What was the best part? What would they change about their day? Who did they help? Here is a whole list of questions that you can ask. When you feel a natural lull in the conversation, you can say good night and tell them you can't wait to see them in the morning.
This time connecting can get tricky when you have more than 1 child.
What this looks like with more than 1 child:
Pull everyone together and let them know it's almost bedtime. Tell them that you want to spend some time with each of them so that they can each talk about their day with you (or you and your partner) alone. Tell them that when their turn is over, you will tuck them in and put them to bed before moving on to another sibling's room. Undoubtedly, you will have complaints about some kids going to bed earlier than others. Even though it's on a 5-10 minute difference, work out a schedule so that every night someone gets a different turn. You can start in birth order where the youngest goes to bed first, the second night, the next youngest goes first, and it continues that way. {We do a lot of things in that order in our house and the kids really feel that it's fair.} Put everyone in their rooms a little early (you don't need to point this out). Tell them they can read a book or play with toys (the parent's choice) until you get there. In the beginning you will have kids get out of bed asking when it will be their turn. Just remind them that you want to make sure you give everyone the time they need and you'll get to them soon. If children have already had a turn and get out of bed, remind them that they loved your special time with you and now it's their sibling's turn. Depending on their age you may need to physically take them back to bed. Reassure them that you will come and check on them when you are done with everyone.
2. Individual Dates/ Outings
I know some people hate the term "dates" when it's referred to their kids but essentially, it's the same thing as you would imagine, except maybe without all the kissing. You can start doing these as early as 2 years old.
What this looks like:
Plan a time when you can go out and do something one and one. Doing dates at home never has the same impact that it does when you get out of the house. The house has so many distractions of toys and laundry that your child won't get the full attention that they need and deserve. Take your child somewhere that they will enjoy. This can include places that cost money (hockey game, pottery painting, out to lunch, etc), places that cost very little money (feeding the ducks, visiting a fish hatchery, going out for ice cream, etc), or places that don't cost any money (a trip to the bookstore, playing at the park -where YOU actually play too, geocaching, bike riding, etc). The point is to do what your child wants to do and not necessarily what you would rather do. Obviously don't present an option that you wouldn't want to do.
What this looks like with more than 1 child:
Each child gets their own date. They should not share the date with another sibling. The object of the date is using the time to connect with your child so they can feel like the most important child in the world. You can use the method of starting in birth order from youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest. You can do one child a week or one a month. There may be tears from the children who are staying behind and that's okay. Be empathetic. "I know you're sad that it's not your turn to go out with me today. Do you think maybe you can start thinking about what you would like to do when it's your turn?" Explain that everyone will get a turn.
What this looks like with more than 1 child and 2 parents:
Parents take different turns. When our children were little we let them choose who they'd get a date with. Now that we're older, there are children and parent connections that are stronger with some of us than there are with others. We make it an official turn taking ordeal. For example, this is what our schedule looks like:
Week 1 - Matt/ Kate
Week 2 - Kristina/ Caroline
Week 3 - Matt/ Rebecca
Week 4 - Kristina/ Kate
Week 5 - Matt/ Caroline
Week 6 - Kristina/ Rebecca
We also throw our own dates in there but that's because we know it's essential for maintaining our marriage.
3. Using a Journal
What this looks like with more than 1 child and 2 parents:
Parents take different turns. When our children were little we let them choose who they'd get a date with. Now that we're older, there are children and parent connections that are stronger with some of us than there are with others. We make it an official turn taking ordeal. For example, this is what our schedule looks like:
Week 1 - Matt/ Kate
Week 2 - Kristina/ Caroline
Week 3 - Matt/ Rebecca
Week 4 - Kristina/ Kate
Week 5 - Matt/ Caroline
Week 6 - Kristina/ Rebecca
We also throw our own dates in there but that's because we know it's essential for maintaining our marriage.
3. Using a Journal
A few months ago I started connecting with the girls on a very different level. We started writing journals to each other. The journal provides the kids the space and freedom to be open and honest about things they feel or think. It really provides a deeper connecting between you. Be prepared that at first they'll only answer your questions. As the journal writing becomes more consistent, they'll begin to ask some questions themselves. This isn't an activity that needs to be done every day. You can start doing this as soon as your child can write, but please don't EVER correct their spelling. This should be a place where your child can write freely. For most young kids getting the ideas out of their heads doesn't include using perfect spelling - and it shouldn't. The ideas are more important than the mechanics. You will discourage them from writing if their spelling is corrected. If you have trouble reading what your child wrote, ask them to read it to you.
What this looks like:
Pick out a notebook for your journal. Explained to your child that you will be using a journal to write back and forth to each other. They can write to you about anything and no one else will read it. They can tell you things, ask you any questions, draw a picture, or just answer questions you ask of them. When they're done writing, they put the journal under you pillow or any other place that you designate. When you write back to them, you'll place it under their pillow. It almost feels like a secret club.
What this looks like:
Pick out a notebook for your journal. Explained to your child that you will be using a journal to write back and forth to each other. They can write to you about anything and no one else will read it. They can tell you things, ask you any questions, draw a picture, or just answer questions you ask of them. When they're done writing, they put the journal under you pillow or any other place that you designate. When you write back to them, you'll place it under their pillow. It almost feels like a secret club.
Here's an example of what I write as the first entry in everyone's journal:
Connecting with your child only gets harder as they get older. But the truth is, when they feel connected, they will be happier, more confident, and more willing to help around the house. There's a lot value in making time to connect with your kids. Your kids will feel supported, loved, and important.
What are some ways you connect with your kids individually?
xoxo
--k
Kristina Grum is a Certified Parent Educator who has over a decade of experience working with children, including being a classroom teacher. She currently teaches parenting classes in her local area and writes about shifting parenthood from barely surviving to thriving.
